A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no