A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
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nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
the greatest twitter interaction
Science memes
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
How to make infinite energy.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority