me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
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Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.