A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.