A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
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mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Running from your problems is cardio .
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting