@Darlainky

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

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@AtticusFinch79

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

@dave_cactus

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

@GrantTanaka

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

@iwearaonesie

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

@Brianhopecomedy

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

@CourtneyBale

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

@thatdutchperson

“If all your friends jumped”

‘Yes’

“But if they”

‘Yes’

“But”

‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

@Hurly_Burly

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

@notacroc

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

@fuzzlime

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye