A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
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I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Happens to everyone.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Is your wife single?
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
classic mixup
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.