“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
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CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
groan^2
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.