A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
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Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
New tinder profile pic
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?