A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.