A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
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someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!