a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”