A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
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ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Life is a suicide mission.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first