A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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Spotted in New Orleans.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Taking phone security to the next level.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.