A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
#parenting
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
want me to check your oil?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
🛁
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards