A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
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People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves