A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

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*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost


The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.


7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!


Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.


*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*


Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes


If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste


Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?


Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.


God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game