A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
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Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Me buying fruit and veg
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.