A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
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“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.