a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
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told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
👾👾👾
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.