A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it