A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
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Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente