A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
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Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside