A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
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A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*