@causticbob

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

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@AndyAsAdjective

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

@krishna_van

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

@MarfSalvador

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

@zoebread

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

@amydillon

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

@copymama

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

@JohnLyonTweets

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

@MichaelJErhart

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

@KeetPotato

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

@stevetweeters

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.