A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

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BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright


Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.


Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir


im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat


Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.


My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.


“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”


Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.


[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen


Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.