A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
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Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
accurate
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?