A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

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Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults


Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.


People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.


A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.


I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.


Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do


Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business


Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.


Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.