A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
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We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house