A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
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Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
#damn
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*