A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

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Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”


Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives


How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*


I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence


TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?


Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”


I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”


“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.


Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé