A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
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[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.