A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
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[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.