A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
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“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Livid.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH