A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
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Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.