a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps: