A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
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When I said I liked it rough.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
“I’m helping” 😅
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.