[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
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[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough