a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*