a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
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*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
no refunds
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Wait for it
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting