A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive