*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
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Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
This is my cat’s medicine.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
🙁
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide