@LadyBroseph

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

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@aveuaskew

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

@iwearaonesie

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

@RadioFreeOlive

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

@ArfMeasures

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

@Owl_Meat

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

@kelkulus

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

@WritePlay

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

@J_Dazzle76

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

@HushJared

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

@DanAmira

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994