A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
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“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.