A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
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shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
My guardian angel deserves a raise