A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

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Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.


I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”


I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another


<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.


Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing


People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.


I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.


Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.


Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…



All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat


*widow rolls eyes*