A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
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Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables