@AnOrangeSNES

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

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@ncknvme

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

@justinshanes

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

@shmofnia

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

@iAmDelFreaky

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

@jeanettehayes

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

@ningella

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

@Dawn_M_

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

@Tmoney68

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

@chapel3929

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*