“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
You Might Also Like
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Breaking news:
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words