A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Just a reminder, folks:
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.