A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
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I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!