a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
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Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.