A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
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I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Me as a therapist: omg same
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”