A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
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Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Maths meets science
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…