a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
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‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”