A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

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“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”


DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.


Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.


Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.


Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.


When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.


jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy


MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.



A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.