A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

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*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!


The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.


[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan


It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.


I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.


YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear


The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances