A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
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My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
🖤✌🏽
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.