A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
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Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”